Fake It With Me!
My childhood social worker- Monica- was once telling a love story on a long journey we had to take. From what I remember she was telling the driver how hard marriage was. She was having marital problems but had observed an old couple in the neighborhood. How they had nothing but love. The older couple would walk to find odd jobs together every morning. According to Monica she hired them to farm her garden and noticed that despite their childless marriage they lived a full life and never let their troubles separate them. I do not recall how this story started or ended but she mentioned how she would give up her world to have that.
In a conversation with James Baldwin, Nikki Giovani tells black men that it is not too much of the black woman to ask them to lie and smile and fake happiness with her. Because out of love she caters to his whims and still receives the worst of him. “Because I love you, so I get the least of you,” she remarks. But all day long he works for a white man who has no respect, no love, does not care whether you live or die but the black man smiles and says yes sir, no sir. Basically respects this disrespectful person only to bring that hell home and put it upon the woman who does nothing but nurture him yet she catches all hell because there are no consequences for him to face. It’s a very interesting conversation they have (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZmBy7C9gHQ).
I write about it and will not repeat the points she makes because I believe them to be very valid. This point is repeated in a black love episode where Donndre Whitfield says “We have to work as hard at our marriage as we do at our money.” extend that to love and stop playing with people. I recently watched a speech Obama gave at a graduation and he said that at his death bed he will not be thinking of everything he accomplished. He says that he will be thinking of his family, the people that love him. Love is the most talked about, written topic but it is the most misunderstood. My pastor says that the only things that matter at the end of the day are God and people. Love. The way I see it is to work at it! As much as you pursue anything in life, bring the same energy into love.
I’m reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and one of them is to work from a win-win mindset. Have introspection and evaluate your heart and make sure that you are giving as much as you are taking. Because sometimes you take and the next time you come around there is nothing left to take. And now you must find a new source to take from. Only you have done two things by only taking. One, you have depleted your resources, who is a human being, she/he must now walk around empty of everything you took. Secondly you must now find a source to take from lest you starve and die yourself. Which has borne my generation of love. That carries more than a 50% divorce rate. Casual sex, and brokenness that does not know how to love.
The Way I see you will not find a perfect person, love is an adjustment of needs. You have to look deep into yourself and evaluate your love before you give it. I know this will not happen, but I must ask that if you cannot think win-win in love please stay away! Love is not irrational, yes irrationalities play a major role in love but before you love someone take caution. If you would quit your job for mistreating you, not compensating you and not seeing your worth then do the same in love. I don’t mean divorce and quit, what I mean is you adjust and invest and once again put in work to make sure your love is thriving. Assess and make sure things are on track. It is in your best interest that these things happen. TWIS, Money, you can recover, a job, you can find another but love does damage. I guess finally I should mention that understanding is also important.
Finally, (a lesson I learned recently)sometimes we suffer under love out of the fact that we’re not communicating our wants and needs. So as you grow and change make sure you’re on the same page with your love. When you communicate your needs then it’s not that they don’t know but it’s they have chosen not to care. Do not settle. Our parents’ generation settled and now we carry trauma and brokenness from watching what they settled for. So we must be better so that whoever’s coming after us will be better. Thank God we live in a better world that allows us to make decisions that our parents did not have the option to.
